Oct 13, 2017
Do you ever feel so angry. So out of control. So extreme.
That you WOULD NOT DARE to unleash it?
If you did, god knows what would happen.
You certainly wouldn’t feel safe. And neither would anyone around you.
You might hurt yourself. And others.
You would fear being judged. And the shame of self judgement would be even worse.
So you bottle it.
You carry the shame that there must be something wrong with you.
You push it down.
You carry the weight of self loathing for having to hide this part of you.
You bury it.
You wonder what is so damaged and so unhealed within you that you can feel such extreme emotion.
The shame, guilt and self loathing is swallowed.
The ferocious dragon inside you becomes your shameful secret.
Lock her away and throw the key.
You brush yourself down, button up, put on your lippy and pretend that you are pretty and perfect and have total emotional mastery.
You are ‘fine’.
But now you feel numb. A little bit dead inside.
A part of you has been silenced.
A part of you has been made bad, wrong, messy and not to be seen or heard. Ever.
And you wonder what’s worse.
To reveal your darkness or kill her off.
It’s hardly a trade off. Either way, the feelings are excruciating.
I NEED YOU TO REALLY HEAR SOMETHING.
You are not alone to feel like this.
It has been my experience. And it’s the experience of so many women I have worked with.
I remember as a little girl when feeling angry or irritable I was told that I was annoying or too much or difficult. I got approval when I was good and calm and quiet. I got menacing looks and judgement when I was emotional.
Receiving love was conditional. The condition being, do not be emotional.
So I learned to be good.
I learned to be pretty.
I learned to smile and be calm.
As I grew into adulthood, the repression of my darker emotions (dark because at some point I unconsciously decided to make anger, worry, sadness and anxiety to mean bad, dark and unloveable) had a physical impact.
Anxiety became normal for me. I lived with it as a standard part of my life. I didn’t know that anxiety results from pushing down and ignoring my true feelings.
Acne was a real problem. As a teenage girl I really suffered. Mum said it would go away as I grew up but it got worse. In my 20’s and 30’s I had recurrent bouts of adult acne that caused me so much shame and embarrassment. Little did I know that the anger was presenting through my skin – it was trying desperately to get my attention. It needed to be seen and heard! My skin was my last line of defence. There was no more ignoring it.
Repressed emotions can cause all sorts of physical pain and discomfort. Bottled up anger can be at the route of chronic fatigue, jaw pain (from clenching teeth) to extreme back and neck issues. Repressed fear can present as IBS, constipation and other diseases of the bowel and colon. Unexpressed sadness can result in issues with your eyes and throat, heart and lungs.
It’s crazy what we allow to happen to our physical health in the pursuit of appearing emotionally in control! NOW THAT’S CRAZY!
THIS IS WHAT I NOW CHOOSE TO BELIEVE
I believe that one of the most self loving things you can do for yourself is to honour how you feel without judgement.
I believe no emotion is either good or bad, dark or light, right or wrong. Emotion just ‘is’.
I believe that sometimes I feel CRAZY inside. Sometimes life throws me something that pushes my buttons so hard that I feel inconsolable rage. And that’s OK!
I believe that sometimes I feel off and sad and down for no real reason. I can’t even blame it on hormones or a hangover. And that’s OK!
I believe that I don’t have to prove my emotional sanity to anyone anymore. This is still a work in progress for me and I am committed to doing my best at being fully myself.
I believe that we shine from the inside out so when I honour and express my emotions they are being cleared out rather than going putrid within. That is reflected on my face and in my health.
I believe that I am loveable in all my emotional shades.
I believe that I am easier to love when I am real and honest about who I am and how I feel. No more treading on egg-shells for anyone!
I believe that happiness is my birthright and I get to experience ‘happy’ when I own all my emotions.
SO HOW DO I OWN MY EMOTIONS?
I choose to be connected to my feelings as a daily practice.
I identify my feelings by giving them a name and I know I can be feeling several different things at once – happy and worried, tired and excited, scared and brave, abundant and lacking.
I create time and space to express the less ‘sociable’ feelings. If I am really angry I create a private and safe space for me to stomp, punch, bash, yell, cry and go crazy. I set myself free. It hurts when I am in it but I always pass through and come out the other side feeling clear and empowered.
I hire a coach who unconditionally loves and supports me and my journey. I get to show up as ‘me’ fully. I am seen and heard. My emotions get expressed with a witness to hold the space safely for me.
I never ever say ‘I am fine’ if I am not.
I invest in deeply transformational experiences that connect me to my most raw, vulnerable and real self where I am given time, space and support to clear out anything that is sabotaging me from being my most authentic, true and fully expressed self.
Every day I choose to love myself by committing to my soul’s evolution, being a truth seeker and for proudly owning all parts of me.
SO DARLING – HOW DO YOU HONOUR YOUR CRAZY?
I would love you to share how you own and express your feelings. Comment below and inspire me!
I would love to hear about your journey with accepting your emotional self fully. What happens when you suppress your emotions? What transforms in your life when you honour them?
This is a subject that I’m incredibly passionate about.
This is truly Daring & Mighty work and it’s the ultimate in self-love.
Thank-you for allowing me to share a little more of myself with you. I do it in the hope of inspiring you and I do it to push you to being the most healed, vibrant, healthy and fully expressed version of you.
Founder of The School of Self Love